Hillary Clinton Delivers 2018 State of the Union Address

I was scared. I had never encountered a time traveler before. He was scared, too. He held out the document to me. It was torn and burned at the edges, I took it. A flash of light and he disappeared. The contents of the document he gave me follows:

 The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release

January 13, 2018

Remarks of President Hillary Clinton – State of the Union Address As Delivered

9:10 P.M. EST

(President Clinton enters the room to the strains of “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar”.)

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Democratic Members of Congress, Justices of the Supreme Court, my fellow Americans:

FFPOTUS (First Female President Of The US) addresses joint session of Congress

Today marks the second time that I, your first female president, have stood here to address this august gathering. I can report that the State of the Union has gotten a heck of a lot better. (Cackle). (Applause)

I can say that with confidence, because the State of our Union is now more inclusive, caring, and transparent than it has ever been. (Applause)

We have made major progress in ending hate speech, stopping those who oppose progress, and making the streets and classrooms of this nation a safe place.

Under my leadership the Federal Communications Commission has again made our airways safe, revoking the licenses of broadcasters like Fox News and Salem Networks who used their sacred trusts of the people’s broadcast spectrum to spread hate-speech and falsehoods. The Fairness Doctrine has been re-instituted so that never again will the vast right-wing conspiracy be able to dominate the airwaves.

The Internet has been declared a public utility, because, the government invented it and who can exist without it? Licensing of internet sites is now handled by the Justice Department, so no one who questions settled science such as global warming or the self-identification of sexual identity will be allowed on the web.

Further, just this morning, the FBI informed me that over 1000 climate change deniers have been detained and are in or are on their way to federal confinement facilities. (Cheering, Standing ovation.)

Justices of the Supreme Court, we owe you a special thanks. My two appointments, Justice Pelosi and, the first Native American on the court, Chief Justice Elizabeth Warren, wrote the ruling that the second amendment only applies to the military and police. You have made it possible for us to declare that our entire nation will be a gun free zone, and to begin the process of making our schools and public streets safe from the threat of the NRA and its goons.

For those of you who have already forgotten it, the NRA, the National Reactionary Association (laugh), was added to the domestic terrorist list during the first weeks of my administration. They said we would have to take their guns from their cold dead hands. No problem. (Cackle.) (Laughter.)

Justices, your rulings have also made it possible to remove religious symbols from all public buildings and private buildings open to the public. Next we will be removing all crosses which can be seen from federally funded highways. Intolerance must not be allowed to pollute the public environment.

And of course, we have you to thank for approving national standards in education. No longer will local extremists be able to indoctrinate the children with destructive ideologies. It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes the Department of Education to enlighten them. (Applause.)

Vice President Kaine counts standing ovations for FFPOTUS

And the state of the union is good for all who are frail or who have been exploited by the military-industrial complex. We know now that claims of inadequate treatment for Veterans was a scam by Republicans. All they wanted was to redirect patients to their rich doctor friends. But we have taken the next step. Over the next year, all hospitals, clinics, and medical offices will be nationalized and brought under the administration of the Health and Human Services Administration. There is no reason that in a society as wealthy as ours that anyone should be forced to pay to maintain their health.

And the state of the union is good for people of color.

They told us we could not afford to pay reparations to victims of racism. We found a way. Next month when the minimum wage for all persons of color is raised to $25 per hour, the suffering of generations at the hands of racist employers will finally come to an end. (Cheering.)

And tomorrow, I will issue an executive order that will prevent the hiring of any white person for federal employment in any position for which there are applicants of color. (applause)

Since taking office, I have instructed the Justice department to take control of over 40 police departments. The protection of people from institutional racism in police departments is too important to be dealt with by the limited resources of cities and counties. To that end I will introduce legislation putting all police departments in this nation under the direct supervision of the Department of Homeland Security.

And the state of our union in the international sphere is one of peace. We have hit the reset button with the world. Now our friends Russia, Iran and China will no longer need to fear the reckless intervention of American cowboy-presidents. Russia will protect Europe, Iran will protect the Middle-East and Africa, and China will protect Asia and Australia.

The United States will fulfill its duty by protecting North and South America. To that end I will issue an executive order giving dual citizenship to all the inhabitants of the Americas, so they will be able to come to the United States whenever they need to and to vote through the internet. Bienvenido, people of Latin America.

Lastly, let me reaffirm my promise. By the end of my second term — I’m pretty sure I’m going to get one — (interruption by applause) we will have eliminated the divisive factions formerly known as political parties. We will all be united in one great Democratic Party, dedicated to correcting the mistakes of the past 200 years and building a new future based on unity and equality. (Standing ovation)

And the state of the environment is better than it has ever been. Just last week, the last coal mine closed its disgusting dirty doors. Solar power will be mandatory for all new construction. And, of critical importance, global warming will be brought under control by mandating electric power for motor vehicles by the end of the next decade.

But the improvements to America are not finished. (Wink) Because, I ain’t no way tired. (Laughter) (Standing Ovation).

Thank you, May the Environment bless you. And may the Environment bless the United States of America.

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